New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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