Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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