Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
