My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
