There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Randomize
