the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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