saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
