I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
