you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
