So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
