peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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