party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
