I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
