so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
