Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am naked and annoyed.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
