dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
