if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
