i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
