she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
