Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
