I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Found your dick twin last night
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
