i wish my penis had a tongue
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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