I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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