If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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