yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
