matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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