I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
