She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
