Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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