I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
