Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
