he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
