Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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