My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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