all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
handjob tips. give me some.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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