I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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