I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm really busy with my period
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