so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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