its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
50% drunk capacity currently
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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