Your dad touched me again.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
