so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
