my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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