I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
