I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
