Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
