I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
