I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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