so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
