ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
