it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
