if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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